Anxiety Attacks, Beliefs, cats, House Hunting, moving, negativity, Renting, Toronto
Hanging on my front door so I can see it whenever I sit at this laptop, is a green-and-yellow construction-paper tryptic centered under my Wonder Woman symbol. The two hanging there together, I reasoned, would help me remember my own strength and my forward, take-action spirit. I made it right after I got the sad/bad/unexpected news. It was important for me to be clear about what I wanted in my new place so I could send it out to the universe and repeat it to all my neighbours here in the hood. I figured if I wasn’t clear on what I wanted, how could I get other people to look for a place for me.
I listed all my “must haves” starting, of course, with a place that welcomed my furry beasts along with me. Actually, I was told later that in Toronto a landlord cannot refuse to rent to you because you have cats. But, I guess, if they didn’t want them, they would find some other excuse not to rent to you. I don’t think my list is too unrealistic. It’s just all the things I know I can’t live without like lots of natural light, this neighbourhood, minimum stairs, a clean-no-bugs-or-vermin (gads, I hate mice and rats), a place to sit outside and plant a pot (no, I didn’t say “pot”) and not pay more than I can afford. Is that too much to ask for?
My trouble is that when I run into someone and tell them about my situation and think I’m going to get a positive, “I’ll keep my eyes open, Annie” but instead of being in my corner, they shake their nay-sayer heads and tell me I’m dreaming. I, of course, take on their doubt and start to question my list. Am I dreamer, I ask? Should I be more realistic and just face it that I can’t have the things I want and need? That thinking plunges me into a full-fledged anxiety attack that has me shuffling down the street and struggling to breathe and plunging me into sleepless nights. I know better than to let that happen, I do. But those doubts and fears are like evil little creatures who shake my faith in myself and what I believe will be the positive outcome of this whole episode.
It makes me crazy when I let this happen. Sure I’m a dreamer and what’s wrong with that? But I’m also a Capricorn and we are known for our straight-forward approach to problems. I think that’s a fine combination to face life’s challenges like having to move after 23 years in one place. No, I’m turning this around. I’m letting the realistic dreamer that is me take over. And the next time someone tells me I’m expecting the impossible, and it’s not going to happen, I’m going to laugh and then break out in song and sing passionately, “If you don’t have a dream, how ya going to have a dream come true?” That should give me time to dispel the negativity, regroup and welcome back my positive, “All shall be well,” truth.