I am in a holding pattern — a Lady in Waiting. A few chapters of Annie’s Odyssey have been out there in the nether world of publishers for the entire summer. I knew that I wouldn’t hear for a while. They had sent me — in the mail — a nice little postcard saying “Thanks for the words. Be patient. We have a lot of reading to do. We’ll be in touch.” Not a rejection, that dreaded word, but definitely a “don’t-call-us-we’ll-call-you” kind of message. But it makes me nervous just the same thinking about what’s happening — or worse not happening. Is this how mothers feel when they send their little ones off to school for the first time? Do they have their own version of this subterranean anxiety that churns inside me whenever I think about my words still not being home? Do mothers, like authors, fret and feel hurt thinking that maybe those in the big-wide-world just won’t like our little creations — fail to see the real potential in them? And, to add to my fearfulness, I am concerned that just maybe Canadian publishers will hold it against me because I used American spelling instead of all those “ou”s and “re”s, eh? Well, it’s too late to worry about that one now. I just have to hunker down and wait some more.
The problem is that I’m just not very good at waiting. Patience has never been one of my stellar virtues. As a Capricorn, I like when things are wrapped up, finished, done, thank-you-very-much. But that’s really too much to expect in the world of publishers, isn’t it? I mean, think about it Annie, your words are just a few of the hundreds, thousands?, of other authors’ wonderful words (Are they better than mine???) that are vying for their attention. I think it’s like being one little person in a classroom of screaming first graders trying to get the undivided attention they think they deserve from a frazzled teacher. Better to just not think about the competition at this point. That’s always a slippery, muddy path down into my insecurity if I stay there too long. No, it’s important that I find other ways to get myself through this waiting.
That’s why I, once again, with feeling, signed up for Deepak Chopra’s annual, summer, 21-Day-Meditation Challenge. I always like when he personally responds to my electronic registration, it’s such a nice touch. “Welcome, Ann, it’s good that you’ll be joining us for this meditation challenge.” — or at least those sentiments. It makes me eager to please him and reinvigorate my meditation practice … yet again. I’ve tried. Each time I do a 21-Day-Meditation Challenge (this will be my third, or is it fourth?), I promise myself that I will still be meditating on the 22nd day and the 122nd day afterwards. I honor my promise for a little while but then I slip back into that messy part of my brain that chatters too loudly for me to get a good Om in edgewise. I know it’s what I need. I have it from an expert — my friend, Judith, one of the wisest women I know. She’s been chanting the mantra of “Meditate, Meditate, Meditate,” whenever I tell her my woes of just being me. I think it’s time that I follow her advice. It will definitely put all this waiting into perspective — and will certainly keep the fear of rejection further at bay.